a pause

I’m needing a little help today.

The world isn’t feeling as safe as I’d like it to be. It’s amazing how much it’s all how you look at it. But I can’t help but feel like I’m sitting in the darker side of things.

All throughout the little campaign around here, I kept finding myself talking about the girls as motivation for what I was trying to do. I said that just their presence makes me feel optimistic. It’s the truth. It has to. Creating a person has to be the most optimistic act there is, I think. I just can’t think that the world is anything less than a good place for them to be.

I keep reminding myself of this.

But I get so busy trying to make things happen, that I don’t actually see those little motivators so much. I have to work, and Joey drives them home. I scoot upstairs to write, and Joey brushes their hair before bed. Sometimes it’s hard to find balance. I’m really trying. It shouldn’t be so hard- I’m doing such small things every day- but I think about women who do great things- who leave their children to do great things. The world calls, but it must be so hard to go. I always say that my first goal as a parent, after getting that baby out, has always been to make the world feel safe for my children. I know that this is a luxury, that I can even hope to do this. For some children, it just can’t be safe at all, no matter how secure momma’s lap is.

Today I got a call from one of my closest friends. Slowly, with several breaths, she told me that one of her friends had died, and when I had steadied myself, she told me the story of her violent death. This is what we are most afraid of. I don’t watch movies with violent crime- I am too quick to see my children in the characters. It’s a weakness I have. But this one was real. I knew her a bit- we came together to create all of the festivities around our common friend’s wedding years back, and I had seen her here and there. She was lovely. And everything about how her life ended was wrong. I am so sad for her family, and for the community that loved her, and I am just feeling shaken.

I could feel really afraid. And I do, but I’m fighting that, too. Because no matter how hard we try to hold on to our safety, our control is so limited. I can only try to take that gift- to get that kick to remind me that the day is really, really precious. Hell, the moment is precious.

I’m working on that tonight. I’m mulling over these moments of the night- making pizza, calming tantrums, reading books, kissing heads, clearing dishes- I’m just trying to take a pause in each of these moments.

Thanks for sitting in this pause with me for a bit. More food soon.


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4 Responses to a pause

  1. nancy says:

    i feel safer knowing you are in the world…

  2. Alicea says:

    Isn't it sad that it sometimes takes a tragedy to wake us up and remind us to hit that pause button? I can't even think about anything happening to my kids. Jon and I watched home movies tonight from Bens toddlerhood and we couldn't believe how fast time has gone.aSI know tomorrow I will probably want to just hold the kids all day.

  3. Lan says:

    It's horrible to be shaken in such a difficult way. My friend's father died a couple of weeks ago. I'd known the man since I was 3. He was in his mid 50's and died suddenly. I went home for his Celebration of Life and it's made me pause in my own way. I feel for her and her family. And oddly out of all of it grief surrounding my unstable childhood has come flooding out. Further, that difficult clock that none of us really control feels too close for comfort. I hope you feel grounded again soon. I think all we can take from tragedy are life lessons. Like you said to find balance and live by the words we speak.

  4. Jackie says:

    Sorry to hear about a death, I always am…I wanted to comment though on your writings about finding balance. I too am going through this–struggling with a full time job and missing being at home with my toddler, missing being creative at my sewing machine, missing cooking from-the-heart meals for my husband and son. I think I will be changing to part time if it is approved–life is too short! And I want to make the pop tarts you talked about a month or two ago :)

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